


your mind (Is Not Your Own)

by txilar



Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 21:15:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1998102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/txilar/pseuds/txilar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, Kakashi doesn’t want to be alone.</p><p><b>Prompt/Scenario:</b> #30 by lazybumperv: Everyone thought that the cold killer he had been was an action taken out of grief, that the laid back personality was the real him. What if they're wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	your mind (Is Not Your Own)

**Author's Note:**

> I love this prompt and had so many different ideas for where to go with it, but Kakashi kept resisting, so I ended up rewriting and by then he was quite subdued. I hope this piece, still in the spirit of the prompt, suffices. Thank you M for thorough last minute beta-skills. <3

_“Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone. Your demons come to light and your mind is not your own.”_  
- _Billy Squire_

 

When he was younger, he washed his hands a lot. 

Sometimes, he remembered that. Now, the gloves made it impractical. Possibly unhygienic, but he was fond of extremes. 

Kakashi looked down on the village from his vantage point. Late afternoon coloured everything a golden shade. 

Then a burnt orange. 

A shadowy dusk.

Indigo shadows.

Finally, a dark night lit by a particularly fat moon. A nip in the air hinted at the coming autumn temperatures or possibly a late summer storm. Both.

Kakashi sighed. 

He felt restless. There was a frantic pace, a jagged edge to everything, to everyone, everywhere. He didn’t need the Sharingan to see or sense it. It was overwhelming. And though he was no fan of premonition, only this morning he’d broken his favourite comb. 

He pushed back into a crevice and curled into it, waiting for the sun to rise. He wasn’t going home tonight. If he did, he was going to start washing his hands and he didn’t know how long it would be before he could stop.

-

“Hey, the Copy Ninja’s over there.”

Izumo poked Iruka in the side. Iruka ignored him and kept drinking. 

“Didn’t you go on a mission with him? Wasn’t that your last mission before you started teaching full time? What happened, huh? You never talk about it.”

Iruka shrugged. “Just a mission.”

Kotetsu poked him at that point. “Just? Iruka, you retired from missions to work at the Academy. All you said was ‘things got tense. I’m exploring my options.’ C’mon. Give! You’ve barely been on a dozen missions since and--”

“All resounding successes.”

“--not once--well, yes, good missions all, but that was nearly three years ago. You can tell us about it now.”

Iruka glimpsed in Kakashi’s direction. Kakashi wasn’t even looking in their direction.

“It’s classified. It was a mission, guys. Like any other. I got wounded and, you know me.” Iruka shrugged. “I’ve always preferred the technical to the practical. I thought it was a good time to pursue my academic interests.” 

“He’s a headcase, right? Like everyone says, ‘Cold-Blooded Kakashi?’”

“You shouldn’t speak of your fellow shinobi in such a manner,” Iruka said quietly. For one thing, it was disrespectful. For another, Kakashi had ridiculously sensitive hearing. 

“C’mon! He talks to ghosts, killed that one guy for snoring--”

“That’s a ridiculous rumour.” 

Izumo blinked at Iruka’s interruption. Mainly because Iruka hadn’t made it. They all looked up to see Kakashi looming over them, holding up his drink. 

“Mind if I join?” 

His mask was down, hooked on his chin rather like Izumo’s. They stared at him, wide-eyed. No one said anything, so he slid a stool next to Iruka and moved in close. 

It was utterly silent. 

“I didn’t kill anyone for snoring.” Kakashi spoke with a smile. 

They relaxed, subtly, Iruka thought, but he was sure Kakashi noted it. 

Kakashi was still smiling. “He was a traitor. I broke his neck in a fair fight.” 

Kotetsu stood and yanked Izumo up. “Well, you know we have to be at the Missions Office early in the morning, so…” 

“We do?” 

“Yes,” Kotetsu said firmly. “Don’t you have to be early as well, Iruka?”

“I--”

Kakashi’s hand shot out to grasp Iruka’s wrist. 

“We’re going to stay and chat. I’ll buy a round next time, guys. Night.” It was clearly dismissive, but Iruka could tell they didn’t want to leave. Well, Kotetsu did, but Izumo was staring nervously at Kakashi.

“It’s fine guys, I’ll be early too,” Iruka said. He didn’t say it particularly reassuringly, but Izumo nodded, apparently convinced and Kotetsu dragged them out. Iruka turned an exasperated expression to Kakashi.

“Really? Broke his neck in a fair fight?” Iruka asked. 

“Yes. For the record, I do not talk to ghosts.”

“If you say so.” It had been a while since Iruka had talked to Kakashi and he had kind of hoped it would be even longer. At the same time, Iruka couldn’t deny he still had an attraction to Kakashi. That had to be a sign that there was something wrong with him too. 

“I talk to _myself_. I can’t help it if ghosts listen.”

Iruka refused to be drawn in. This was how it started. Kakashi spoke in circles, trapping anyone who dared enter his logic traps. Anyone who dared enter his world.

“I hear you failed another group of students.”

Kakashi let go of Iruka’s wrist and took a long drink of his beer. “I hope they weren’t yours, sensei. They had a fair grasp of the basics, but no sense of teamwork, no idea that missions aren’t going to work like classroom exercises, and their grasp of weaponry would make Teuchi cringe.”

“They weren’t mine,” said Iruka flatly. 

“Well, there’s that.” 

They were silent for a while, Iruka beginning to feel uncomfortable and wonder why Kakashi was really keeping him sitting here. 

“Do people really think I talk to ghosts?”

“People joke that you do so they don’t have to believe that you do.” Iruka signalled the bartender for another beer. It was starting to seem like one of those nights. 

“That doesn’t make any sense, Iruka.”

“It makes perfect sense. Look underneath and all that.” Iruka felt like he was treading thin ice with Kakashi, but he liked the feeling. Like he had nothing to lose. Their last real conversation had been after that mission. Despite what he’d told Kotetsu and Izumo, it hadn’t been ‘just’ a mission. Kakashi _was_ a headcase. Rather, he had been. He was better now. Mostly.

“I didn’t want to be alone tonight.”

-

Iruka walked like he was going to make a break for it at any moment.

“You didn’t tell them about our mission.”

“Of course not. That’s classified,” Iruka said. 

Kakashi nodded as they strolled, hands in his pockets, walking in that indolent manner that people always mistook for easy-going and carefree. He had it down to an art. He was the Copy Ninja after all; he could copy anything. 

Just some nights, he couldn’t find peace.

-

“Where are we going?”

Kakashi shrugged. 

“Were you waiting for me?”

Kakashi shrugged again. 

Iruka sighed. Kakashi hadn’t changed much. Oh, to most people, he was just a lazy, carefree copy-nin wandering the village between missions with his Icha Icha book. But Iruka knew what was beneath, and beneath, and beneath that still. He wasn’t the only one that did, other shinobi knew Kakashi better, but Iruka knew him differently. He had a unique perspective.

“Bad mission?” Iruka finally asked, about a half hour later. Kakashi said nothing. “Our mission was just a punctured lung, a few broken bones and setting me on a new career. What happened on this one?”

He barely registered Kakashi moving. Kakashi grabbed his arm, twisted it behind his back and shoved him against a building. He was careful not to slam Iruka’s face into the building, and Iruka was grateful for that, but Kakashi wasn’t gentle about any of it.

Kakashi’s mouth was right beside Iruka’s when he spoke. “Confidential, that.” 

“Sorry,” Iruka wheezed. “Just making conversation.” He’d known this was a bad idea. Provoking Kakashi--even inadvertently--was like playing with fire. If fire was a ninjutsu-trained wolf with claws and little in the way of a moral compass.

“It’s late, I should go home.” 

“But I enjoy your company, Iruka.” 

Iruka tried to laugh. “I don’t think you enjoy _anyone’s_ company.” Kakashi pulled Iruka back to looked at him. He was frowning. Iruka shook his head.

“Then let’s pretend.”

“Sure. If that’s what you need.”

“Oh, don’t go all psych-nin on me. That’s not what I need at all.” Kakashi let Iruka’s arm go and slowly Iruka turned around. 

“What do you need?” Iruka asked quietly. 

Kakashi didn’t move; his gaze slid dangerously to Iruka. The look he gave Iruka wasn’t entirely unpleasant. It was the harsh light making him look so completely dispossessed. His eye narrowed as he stared at Iruka. Iruka stood his ground, despite the danger emanating from Kakashi. 

Kakashi stepped close. Iruka could feel his body heat. “Iruka…”

“I know.”

Kakashi grabbed him by the throat. Iruka relaxed, keeping his head up, breathing as carefully as he could--which wasn’t much, given Kakashi’s tight grip. 

“This isn’t a good idea.” 

“It wasn’t my idea.”

“There’s something--you’re different, you--no, you just, you look at me differently,” Kakashi whispered brokenly. “Why?”

“I want to help you.” Iruka raised his hand slowly, very slowly, to Kakashi’s cheek, the scarred one. Kakashi’s eye tracked down as if he wanted to follow the movement, then back to Iruka’s face, warily. His mouth was open as he breathed, his chest rising heavily.

“I hurt you already.”

“It was a mission. You did what you had to do. You didn’t mean--”

“I would have killed you without a second thought.” Kakashi’s gaze bored into his.

Well, thought Iruka. That answers a question I never wanted to ask. 

“You made their medi-nin heal me. I might have died otherwise.” Iruka raised his other hand to Kakashi’s face. He’d moved closer, so close he was almost pressed against Iruka. His hand was still around Iruka’s throat, but it was loose, only his thumb pressing into Iruka’s neck. 

“I killed every one of them.” 

“They killed ours. We completed our mission. We’re shinobi. We protect our village. At all costs.” Iruka let his hand rest on Kakashi’s neck, almost mimicking Kakashi’s grip on his own.

Kakashi’s head tilted slightly to the other side. “At all cost?”

Iruka nodded slowly. Kakashi grasped his head and pulled him closer, mouth open against Iruka’s. He kissed desperately, his mouth hot and lonely. Iruka could do little more than cling. 

Kakashi’s fingers worked through Iruka’s hair, rubbing his head, pulling him, tilting Iruka’s head from side to side, trying to get the best angle to explore Iruka’s mouth. 

“Not out here,” Iruka muttered. “Not the ground again.”

Kakashi dragged his mouth along Iruka’s jaw mouthing and teething along the way. He bit the skin under Iruka’s ear, making him yelp, then trailed down his neck down the same, nipping, licking, and sucking, before kissing him again. 

Iruka shivered. 

“Please don’t fuck me in an alley, Kakashi.” 

Iruka’s head lolled when Kakashi yanked him upright. “No, fuck me in your bed this time. Take me home, Iruka.” He grabbed Iruka’s hand and led the way, not quite following his own command. 

Iruka hadn’t felt this much like a teenager when he _was_ a teenager: skipping across rooftops with an illicit lover and stealing kisses between leaps. 

When they stopped at his door so he could disarm the traps, Kakashi pushed his hair from his ear and whispered, “I’m sorry I hurt you. I wish I’d never wanted to.”

Iruka wasn’t sure what to say to that, to his hair twisted between the gloved fingers of the most wanted ninja in any bingo book anywhere, so he opened the door, and let Kakashi inside. 

“I’ve never been fucked in a bed before.”

-

“So what’s the deal with you and Kakashi-sensei?”

Iruka looked up at Naruto, his eyes wide. The question came from out of the blue. Hadn’t they just been discussing… what had they been talking about anyway?

“Uh, what?”

Naruto shrugged. “You had that one falling out years ago, but you seemed okay after that. But he just sort of, I dunno, watches you sometimes. It’s weird. Does he not trust you or something?”

“No,” said Iruka slowly. “He trusts me.” 

Naruto sighed in relief. “Right! Maybe he just has a crush on you.” 

Iruka felt his face flood red. Naruto made a jerking motion and waved his hands. “I’m kidding! Iruka! It was a joke, you should see your face!” Naruto fell backwards and laughed helplessly. Each time he tried to stop, he started again and couldn’t stop. He started wheezing and gasping for help and Iruka walked over and started slapping him on the back. It didn’t help. He kept laughing. Then he started hiccuping. Iruka crossed his arms and Naruto just laughed harder.

“Iru--kaka--sitting--tr--tree, hahaha! K-I--S--ahhaha!”

Iruka glared at him. 

“Can’t--sto--Rah!--op!” Naruto grabbed his stomach and moaned between laughing and hiccuping.

“How about I scare them away? We’re secretly _married_! Not working? Maybe I should try Oiroke no Jutsu? Will that scare them out of you?”

-

Naruto’s screams could be heard outside the flat where Kakashi hunched on a tree branch. He had a faint smile on his face. Iruka made it look so easy.

It had been years since he’d come to Iruka for any sort of respite. Years since he’d needed it, really. At least, in that way. He was much better at playing with others. He could pass for civilised. He wasn’t a headcase anymore. Not… quite.

Though there were plenty of nights he didn’t want to sleep alone. He could, even if he didn’t want to.

“Hey.”

Iruka’s voice was quiet and warm. Kakashi looked over to the bedroom window. 

“Naruto’s gone. Why don’t you come in?” Iruka slid the window up and stepped back without waiting for a response. 

Kakashi walked the length of the branch and bounced inside. The room was dark. He trailed Iruka’s scent to the kitchen where he was doing dishes. 

“Are you hungry?”

“Not for--no.” He didn’t have to pretend with Iruka, did he? Kakashi sat down at the low table in the next room and relaxed. Iruka sat a cup of tea down and joined him. 

“It’s been a while. How are you?” Iruka drank his tea and looked at Kakashi. His eyes the same night dark pools of acceptance they always had been.

Kakashi just looked at him. 

“We all have our demons, Kakashi. Some are more powerful than others, some are more dangerous. But we’re all haunted.”

“It gets lonely sometimes.”

Iruka looked at his hands, reached for them, then met Kakashi’s gaze and smiled. “It doesn’t have to. Why don’t you stay?”

 

\---fin

**Author's Note:**

> Remember to leave a comment below, or at the [LJ post](http://kakairu-fest.livejournal.com/126923.html?mode=reply#add_comment)!


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